I can't believe it's been 7 years since my grandmother's suicide. It seems like only yesterday my mother and I were getting that call at work from my paw telling us that maw-maw was dead. I remember I had just had my surgery that week before so I still wasn't 100% back to my normal self. All I remember hearing at work was the type of scream from my mom that I never want to hear from anyone again. It was the type of scream that you only hear in the horror movies. *sigh* That whole week is just something that I wish I could just forget.
My maw-maw was a one of a kind woman. She was a security guard out at the prison. She was small thing which made that even funnier! She tried to be all bad around us but it never worked! Haha! :) I loved her so much. She would make me laugh like no one could. Her and my paw would fight sometimes but deep down they had the love for one another that I hope I can find one day. They were like a comedy act sometimes. I remember one time they came to visit and my paw was just antagozing the hell of out of maw-maw and finally she was like "Alright, we need to head home Oscar." So paw walks into our kitchen, grabs a broom and hands it to her and says "Alright, here's your ride. I'll follow you in the car." Priceless and so hilarious.
My mother and I had so many regrets and "What Ifs?" after she died. I remember being mad at her a couple of days before hand. I remember being so upset that I didn't answer the phone when she tried calling me. That was the last time she called. It took me FOREVER to let that go and for me to get over that. I always kept telling myself "What if I had just answered that phone and just got over whatever I was so ticked off at?" And I do remember what I was mad at and looking back at it now, it was the DUMBEST thing EVER. It was something that I kicked myself for because it was over something so dumb. My mom had a hard time as well because that same day maw-maw had a doctors appt at the doctor's office mom worked at. Maw-maw then asked mom if she wanted to go to lunch and talk. Mom really wasn't in the mood [they didn't have the best relationship in the world] and so she was like "Well maybe next time." That was the last time they saw each other. Mom went through the same "kicking herself" phase I did. We had the hardest time with that and it took us a long time to stop blaming ourselves for her suicide. I still have a copy of her letter she left. She left a note for me telling me that she was going to miss watching me graduate and miss my puffy checks and smile. Gosh, how I miss that woman.
Ever since then, I remember make a goal to myself that I would never let stupid things come between me and the ones I love. Always letting the people in my life know how much I love them. Sometimes thats always easier said than done. But I do the best I can. Sometimes people may feel like my constant reminder of love is annoying but for me it's the only way it helps me deal with those kinds of things in my life.
On a happier note, today was a great day. It was weird because I saw quite a few blue jays today and to me they look like that have silver wings. That in turned reminded me of the song we played at maw-maw's funeral and it was called "Silver Wings". I like to think that she is always around me, which I like. As I've stated before, I have the most amazing people in my life. I am surrounded by constant laughter and just pure happiness. If you don't have that in your life, then you just aint livin'! :)
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